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7-20
Todae (nani spelling) is me and Marks' two month. Yesh. We figured that out, the other day. I really miss him. I feel SO incomplete when he's not with me. I need to see him tonight. I will.
I didn't do anything yesterday. I was in a really bad mood. I had a discussion with Mark, it wasn't bad, but for some reason, I got scared. I cried.
Then mom came in my room, after he had calmed me down.
I cried again.
A few nights ago, me and mark went downtown, and met Lauren, Tom, Amy, Steve, Marek, and Jose. Well, Amy and Lauren were walking, so we didn't see them for more than like, three minutes, but before that, Jose and Steve and Tom busted out Jose's bowl. So we smoked. I got pretty ripped, even though I wasn't planning on it. So I started worrying that my mom was going to be there soon, so we went to starbux and Mark got me a GRANDE FRAP. I drank the whole fuckin thing in like, 5 minutes. After that, I guess I was cold, and nervous, so i was shaking like crazee. Mark and I walked over to a little quiet spot, and just...I'm gonna stop right there. Then, when my stepdad came, I saw Brett. Gave him a hug, then we bounced.
Tonight, Mark and I are gonna go to the mall w/ Laur and Steve. Just like old times. I'm so happy things are getting back to normal.You know what's great? The fact that Laur, and Steve don't need anyone other than each other, and that's how it is for Mark and I. When it's the four of us, I'm SO happy, because...::sigh:: I don't even know what the hell i'm talking about. All i know is that i'm REALLY happy when its just the four of us. Probly cuz they know how Mark and I feel...well, at least to a point.
Georgie is having a party after the mall, well, at eleven. I wanna go, but I probly wont, cuz my mom's like that. I don't know, tho.
Sam isn't back yet. Denise...::sigh:: i haven't talked to her yet. I don't know if I should. Laur and her are fighting...I think Sam and her are fighting, too. Hmmm....
Melissa and I are slowly fixing things. I'm glad. But I'm still cautious.
Aight, i'm hungee. Dizzamn niggah. You don't even know. aight. lata doods (lauren's word).
Much love.
7-21
I'm talking to my baby. EEEEEE. That's my noise of sincere joy. He's talking to meeeeee. Yay. lol.
He woke up at SEVEN THIRTY this morning, just to go to Brooklyn with me...He wasn't really awake. But, we spent like, the whole time there together, just sitting and talking about things. God, it was heaven. I can't believe is only been two months...
Laurens' kitty died tonight. R.I.P kitty.... I called her, and i heard her voice and it was completely heartwrenching to hear her voice like that...She sounded so lost, and confused, and HURT. She didn't know what to do with herself. I hope she feels better.
Peese Peese.
7-28 (1.48 a.m)
I haven't really been too up for sleeping lately, so i'm up...once again. But i'm not really happy about being up, because i'm not on the phone with mark. He left for Italy yesterday (?) the 27th. We talked for a few minutes, but i had been previously upset with something...a 'surprise' trip to Ohio...And i didn't need to hear that. But i did, and i didn't know of any other way to deal with that, other than crying. Mark found this out. He called, and the last time I talked to him, i upset him. I didn't upset him in the way that he was mad, but in the way that he hurt too, emotionally...and that kills me. I love him so much.
I felt like such a helpless little lump, just sitting on the floor, watching my world come crashing down like waves around me...not being able to do anything to stop it, or make it hurt a little less.
I was so worried about my trip to Ohio...then I later find out that all the shit that i went through, even hurting my baby...was all for nothing.
He told me he'd call me from Italy. I know he will...But I know that the minutes will go on forever, and I know it'll hurt...but I'll deal. What I also know, is that it's gonna go in phases. First, I'll be lonely for him. Then, i'm gonna get sad. Then i'll get angry. Hopefully then, he'll be back.
At least I'm riding on Sunday. That'll make things better. Heh, Josh said he'd take me out for ice cream if I felt bad. That'd be coo.
My god. I'm looking at pictures of Italy...::sigh::...I'd give anything to be there right now, with him. It's so beautiful...
Lauren and Steve are no more. It's over...but i think this time, it may just be final.
We went to the mall. It was fun. It took my mind off things. Tom totally flipped out over these damn slushies. It was insane. Then, on the way home, we gave Sean a ride, plus we had to get Aunt Edna. SO, I had to lay across Tom, Steve and Sean, then, I lifted my legs up, while Lauren sat on Sean's lap, and then I put my legs across Laur's lap. Heh. It was great. lol.
Laur just called. She wants me to go to a party tomorrow. Hopefully I can go. I wanna go. I'm really happy that Lauren and I are hanging out a lot more now. I think we realized that we can trust each other completely, and it's good that we have a lot we can relate about. I'm happy about that. :P
Hmmm...not much else to say...No, a lot to say. Too much, maybe? Well, I don't feel up for typing it. I'm gonna go dream now...
See you on the flip side. (As Mr. T would say.)
7-30
Well, it's been three days of life without mark. He tried to call me the other night. But i didn't want to wake up my aunt, so i turned my phone off. Needless to say, i missed that call. He'll be back Friday. Thank god. I miss him so much.
I rented 'Dude Wheres My Car?' last night. It was pretty funny, but I feel a little dumber after watching it. heh.
I totally know what I wanna be when I get older...I just don't know how I'm gonna go about doing it...heh. I wanna be a horse breeder. It's alot of work, but hey, i love doing it, and I have NEVER been able to figure out what i wanted to do...always knowing, that deep down inside, i knew, but i never figured out how to bring that out. Finally, I did. I've decided, that somehow, I'm going to do this...yesh...hopefully, i'll have a lot of support on this decision...i'll certainly need it. It's alot of work, and a lot of money...but I'm determined to make it happen. I know it's what i wanna do. i've always wanted to, and just being around the horses yesterday, totally made me realize it. Score.
Well, Tonight, i'm spending the night at Nani's house. Nice.
Not much else to say, so I'm out like M.C. Hammer.
Peace.
8-2
MARKS' COMING HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing new other than that. Heh. Brandon's coming up next week. Score. I can't wait for horseback riding on sunday.
Went out w/ Lauren and Lani, Sam and Sean, we watched Planet of the Apes. It turned out to be one big multispecies orgy...as lauren puts it. heh. it was fun.
aight, i'm out. See you on the flip side homie.
8-3
Marks' supposed to be coming home today. I dont' know what time, though. I hope I can see him but I doubt I will...
I had a really bad night last night. I found out that I'm most likely going to have to give up my dogs. I started crying hysterically and I was hyperventilating...I felt like someone had ripped out my heart, and I was being forced to watch as they stomped on it...I felt like someone was gripping my lungs, forcing me to FIGHT for whatever little oxygen I could pull in, and in the end, that tiny amount of oxygen wasn't satisfying...I almost passed out.
Brandon's probly coming early next Saturday morning, or Sunday...I told him it HAD to be early if it was on Saturday, because I wasn't going to miss Marks' show for the world.
WARPED TOUR'S TOMORROW!!!!!! I still have to pay Nani for my ticket. lol. I'm gonna go to lauren's tomorrow at like, 8:30 cuz Eric's coming to get us at 9. lol, this is what lauren said in her diary:
Dav might sleep over juss so Eric doesn't have to make an extra trip over to her house... Or else she'll juss show up at my house at like 8:45 and see the ogre (dad) sleeping on my couch ready to shoot his flaming bad breath at any trespasser...
I laughed so hard when I read that. I'm so excited about tomorrow. I'm just praying that i'll see mark though...hehe.
Aight homies. I'm out like a fat bitch at a dodgeball game. PEESE.
8-7
I hate my life.
My mother is killing me, slowly but surely. She doesn't want me to be my own person...so she's going to try and turn me into a mindless drone.
If she thinks that it's gonna work, she's got another thing coming.
Fuck this.
8-8
I went out last night w/ Nani and Mark. I felt a lot better. After we ate, we went to go see "Legally Blonde". it was cute. Yeah, Nani got fed up cuz Mark and I were kissing. lol. So she left and sat like, 6 rows ahead of us. Silly Silly. Then, after the movie, they were gonna come over, but Chester took Mark home. So Nani came over, and stayed till 12.30.
AIght, more later.
Peese
8-13
Brandons' been here since Friday. We've been being lazy assholes and sheeit. You know how it beez kids.
The show the other day was pretty good. we didnt really wanna stay for the other bands so we just watched like, three. lol. yeh. We felt SO bad for mark, cuz he had to play on tile, and his drums kept slipping forward. Brandon liked the band tho.
Speaking of Mark...I haven't talked to him SINCE the show. I haven't heard anything from him in like, 2 days. yesh, i know that doesn't seem like a long time, but for us...
i really don't know what's goin on. Brandon said that maybe mark was jus givin me spashe (space) cuz he was visiting. I hope to god thats what it is. I tried to call him the last night...well, i had brandon call him...lol. but Adam said he wasn't home...or so he said. I really miss him.
Aight, Brandon and I are gonna go rock out in my room....only...not. heh. aight. I'm out.
Peese Peese.
8-14
Apparently RJ wants to fuck me in the ass and he loves me cuz i'm shirtless at the moment.
I want mark.
Peese.
8-15
Brandon's leaving today...This is gonna suck. Oh well...Lauren and I are gonna go down to MD soon, so we can visit Brandon...and take care of the 'side project'.
I was really moody last night, i dont know why, though...actually, yeh...i do.
Aight, I'm outty.
8-16
Well. Brandon left yesterday. I came home, and it was extremely quiet...I wasn't used to it, and I didn't like it. We had been talking about me moving down there for a year...and his mom was all about it. But we just talked, and we thought of SO many other things that would become problems that we had simply overlooked...So, it looks like that's not happening. So if Lauren moves, I'm going to be left pretty alone up here...Well, I'd have Nani, but she's going to college...
I didn't talk to Mark at all today. I miss him. And I don't really know what's going on. I'm scared to death that something bad is happening. I don't know what I'll do if I lose him...Please God...My mom, out of nowhere, asked me today if I'd broken up with him. I don't know where that came from. That's the last thing on earth I'd do...I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this work...
I went with Nani to get her hair done today. We went to this place in Garden City. And after everyone else that worked there left, I was her hairdressers' assistant/receptionist thingy. Heh. It was great.
I still really miss Maryland, and everyone there, especially a SELECT few...
That whole side project thing is bothering me...
Lauren and I became A LOT closer this weekend and I'm real glad...
Aight. I'ma go watch this movie with Nani Poo. |
